And I Already Deeply Regret
by LadyLukiCross
Summary: Life isn't easy. Once you've said something, you can't take it back. But with the help of a secret friend, Severus work as hard as he can to get what he truly wants more than anything, something that he hopes isn't completely lost. Lily. Beta'ed.


**Thanks SO much to my best friend, Snowlily. You are amazing. **

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"Mudblood."

I taste the hatred on my tongue, still. Three days ago, I said, I uttered the unforgivable word, and I can still taste how bad it felt to say it. To her. I get up and stalk away. Away from what was, to what should be. To the life without her, the life without dealing with someone so testing, a miserable existence. A life I already deeply regret.

It's been three days since the Incident; I even have a name for it now, since it's all I can think about. All I could think about, for the past three days. I bet I failed those last few exams….Wondering about _her._

I can't stop thinking about her, about why she wouldn't even think about my apology. _I'm not interested. _She said. _Save your breath._

The Lily I know always wants to know what I have to say. Where is she? I miss her. Desperately.

She's never cared about the Dark Arts before. We've never let it come between us….whether I want to be a Death Eater or not, it's not her fucking business!

Potter's corrupted her. Snivellus, she called me. Just like Potter. I snarl. Obviously, there's just me now. I'm alone.

I crave more though. But I can't. I said something that no one should ever have to hear. No one. Yet I just want my Lily.

"Snivellus," I hear, the intimidating voices travel rapidly from afar, "Having fun recently? I hear you ditched Evans. Oh, and guess what?"

I grit my teeth. Shit. What was I expecting?

"Lily Evans and I, James Potter, are officially dating. But it's not like _you _care, of course."

I hear the ominous laughs from his friends, Sirius, Peter, and that Remus Lupin, the unconfirmed werewolf. All of them, I loathe all of them. But I don't look at them, but quicken my pace. I need to go away. Far away. Away from the people staring.

Please, God, sky, universe, whatever, please give me Lily back. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry. Please.

I'm screaming now, on the inside, and I flee - deep into the forest, far where no good creatures are, where I know I shouldn't be. But I'm sobbing, and just trying to express this horrible dreadful desperate lachrymose feeling, pain. Lily. Please.

I hear a snap from nearby. A rustle, and then it's gone. Huh. There couldn't possibly be anyone back here, so-

Oh, please, don't be an animal. I've heard that there are werewolves, spiders, and trolls in here. I can't face one of those! I'm going to die...I'm going to DIE! Thinking about it though, I decide that dying wouldn't be so bad. At least that Potter and associates wouldn't be able to mock me there. I regret what I said. I regret it. But it's been said, and once it's out there, it's out there. There's NOTHING I can do. I'm a hopeless case, a space-waster. But I'm not a nobody. I'm someone. Someone who dared to curse at an innocent girl named Lily Evans. Dared to curse at the girl I love.

I take a wary step backwards, and hope that I'm as silent as I think I'm being. Maybe whatever's there can't hear me.

_Crack._

_SNAP!_

This isn't good. Shit. What the hell was I thinking? I should have killed myself to begin with, not go on an adventure!

I glimpse something shift behind the trees. It shifts again. The snaps are getting louder and louder.

And then I see it.

It's an acromantula. Damn.

It sees me, and I see it. It's got to be about three times my size, or at least it seems so because I'm cowering over in pure terror. I knew it. But now, it's just me, and a _huge, huge _spider. I knew I was a Slytherin…but this is _not _how I imagined dying. I'd always imagined an honorable death for my lord….

Or sleeping…..

I stare, trying to melt into the trees. I try to stop my heartbeat, I know it knows I'm here, but maybe if I look like that stump over there I can make it forget me…. My hand twitches toward my wand, but I can't extract it without catching it's attention….

It raises a leg, and I can see venom gleaming on its pincers. My heart stops for real. Potter _wasn't _lying. Hagrid really does keep monsters in the forest!

I sneer, and, drawing the name from the depths of my memory, I whisper, "Aragog?"

It speaks to me. My lungs stop pumping. It hurts to start them again. _Slytherins don't have to be brave! We just have to survive!_

"Severus Snape." Each word is a click of the pincers.

A lifetime of poverty, knowing street smarts, and being just somewhat intelligent, I begin to think of how to get out of this situation. Maybe I can do a disillusionment charm….

"Why do you wander in my forest at night? This is where I kill you. You will make a very nice meal. I hope you enjoyed life."

It's voice is thick with mirth. It reaches toward me, and I back slowly away, behind a huge tree.

This is _not_ a good situation I've gotten myself into.

It's faster than me, stronger than me, and it wants to eat me.

This is the end.

I almost surrender, but then I remember, _I can use magic._

I wait while it takes its time around the tree, and as soon as its gleaming black eyes are visible, I shout, "Sectumsempra!"

As if a broadsword slashed it, a huge gash appears along the spider's face. I back up while it screams, and it begins to come after me.

I run, crashing through the brush, and I can hear the trumpeting arachnid calling for the rest of its colony.

Shit.

Fortunately, I have extreme fear, adrenaline, and a head start. _Un_fortunately, they have eight legs that are much longer than mine, and there are probably dozens of them.

"Protego," I gasp, seeing my shield wrap sturdily around the forest. Nothing will get out tonight….

Stomach heaving, I collapse in the shadow of the castle. I'm safe. They won't come this close, too much magic….

How was I stupid enough to just wander into a forest at night, when the acromantula hunt? I could have gotten killed! I would have gotten killed!

I slam my fists into the wooden front doors, again cursing my stupidity. Anger blazes, white –hot through my system, and I would scream, but I don't. I'm much too controlled.

The Dark Lord requires a Legilimens. Legilimens don't reveal their feelings. They don't have any.

"Good bye, Lily," I whisper. I'll never let go, but as long as I'll see her, I have to.

Recovering from my little…encounter…I work my way back up to the castle, back up toward my dormitory, the dungeons.

I'm not dead. I should be dead. But I'm not. It might be better if I were dead…

I push my way through the front doors, and see few other than prefects and misfits standing out in the corridor. And Lily. She's parked herself right in front of the hall to the dungeons, and when she catches sight of me, she runs over.

Smack! Stars pop in front of my eyes, and I wonder if I'm hallucinating. I probably am. I just had trauma, after all…

"Ah! Lily, I'm sorry…I- wait, didn't we do this already?"

I blink, and she disappears. She can't Apparate…. She wasn't really there to begin with. Lighter inside, I whisper the password, a tear falling.

"Mudblood."

Narcissa Black is waiting for me when I step inside. Out of all my Death Eater friends, she has to be the kindest. Kinder than I was…

"Did you find out anything about – "I gulp, but it's necessary. "The Mudblood Evans? I heard Potter's going out with her."

"The Mudblood? Severus, why are you interested in her? Are you still friends?"

Cissy sneers, and I make a brave attempt at a smile. "Just want to torment her a little more, Narcissa."

"Apparently she doesn't care about you, though. She said to Mary McDonald (Potter says) that she wishes you would go and die."

Narcissa has to be lying. It came from _Potter, _for Merlin's sorry, sorry sake.

I sway on the spot.

She wouldn't care if I died?

Please let this be a dream.

I've decided then. There's nothing to live for.

I step outside into the empty hall delicately.

I whip out my wand and point it at myself. "Avada Kedavra."

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